I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
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I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Check out the legs on this baby
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend