@iRowlf: I'm sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
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@iamjeffsloan: Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
@Staggfilms: Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON'T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
@bencoffeehall: Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it's important to start out really fat.
@thetits: WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY? [Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]