Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
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Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing