I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
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People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.