@SadieSkyNinja: I'm sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
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@BoogTweets: *Busts through Kool-aid mans wall* Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home Me: I'm sorr… *A sippy cup starts crying*
@NewDadNotes: [movie theater concessions] Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college. Kids: POPCORN! Wife: seriously!?! Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
@Ristolable: ME: Sorry boss, I can't make it in today. Because of Ebola. BOSS: You have Ebola? ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
@Carbosly: If there's a zombie apocalypse, I'm becoming a zombie. Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.