I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
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After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Ironic
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad