@therepoguy: I'm sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
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@JohnFugelsang: There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he's been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
@huntigula: Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus' life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
@noogscorner: Cop: License and registration please. Me: Give me a second, I'm drunk. Cop: Sir, have you been drinking? Me: No.