I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
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My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
🏙👨🏼
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid