I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
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It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Every. Damn. Time.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.