I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
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It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
bought wrong eggs
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)