@ElleOhHell: I'm sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You're gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn't crash.
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@stephenjmolloy: Ian: It's done. Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice? I: What? MB: Like a restaurant. I: I killed him. MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
@sbellelauren: the craziest thing about today's story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
@DrDogMD: PATIENT: Since I got this new job my feet are killing me. DR DOG: What's your job? PATIENT: Mailman DR DOG: *chases him out of room barking*