@ElleOhHell: I'm sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You're gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn't crash.
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@SteveDutzy: Hey, we never talked in high school! Let's be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk! JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
@flashember: [Zoo, bird show] "Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods." *bird headbutts window 50 times*
@WilliamAder: It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
@notalogin: Guy: What do you do? Me: I tell jokes on Twitter G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself? Me: I tell myself that they're good jokes