I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
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I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.