I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
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Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I get distracted pretty eas
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”