I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
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Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.