I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Yeah. This was me today.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth