I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
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*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Ugh
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Chicago sounds lovely.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?