I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
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I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Me :
All Day At Night
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!