@cuntrystronggal: I'm sorry you got offended that one time you were treated the same way you treat everyone all the time.
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@AnOrangeSNES: *Leans head up to wife as I'm dying* Me: My only regret is... *Coughs loudly* Me: ...not having something cooler to say as I die. *Dies*
@OfficialMizGin: Vegetarian: *lists 100 reasons why I shouldn’t eat meat* Me: Counterpoint: bacon.
@SteveKoehler22: She gets stoked after reading: "Big strapping boxer" on dating site But soon discovers he's a 475 lb. guy working in shipping at Amazon.
@AimeeHelene1: I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water... Or food... Or baby...