deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
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*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here