I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
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I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers