HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
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My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
You better watch out
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer