I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
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today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Duck typos.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?