I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
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I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.