I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
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Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Lmfao
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy