“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
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If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared