Which wines pair best with gloating?
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“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH