I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
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A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Breaking news:
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
don’t be scared
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
The morning after pill, but for tweets
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Lmao
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE