I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
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“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”