I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
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My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
if my sleeping schedule was a person
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Finished stitching this today 😇
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.