[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
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I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
those birds must be on payroll
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff