I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
You Might Also Like
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta