I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
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These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
“you changed” bro i was 15
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts