I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
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The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
spicy snake
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.