I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
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If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.