Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
You Might Also Like
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”