Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
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Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Can’t stop laughing
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.