@KentWGraham: I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
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@Talkbackatme: I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
@KeetPotato: [undoes GFs bra first time] "wow have you been practicing?" don't be ridiculous [me and dog exchange glances]
@mimicz: Guy: I don't deserve you. Girl: Awwwww...you're so sweet... Guy: I don't mean that in a good way.
@daemonic3: Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?