@KentWGraham: I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
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@crimson_n_aqua: Had a discussion with my boss about how lanyards can strangle.... conversation took a turn.... I am either fired or getting a HUGE raise x2
@NikatNiteNite: Just once I'd like someone to call me "ma'am" without having to add "you need to calm down or we're going to have to ask you to leave"
@Shut_up_Marissa: I don't mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs. *turns up volume* SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
@KeetPotato: dad: "start a rumour so people are scared of you" me: "ok" [later] cellmate: "i kill people for money" me: "i brush my teeth with hot water"