@KentWGraham: I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
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@SamGrittner: Life is what happens when you're busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
@thenatewolf: *waits until a bird falls asleep, quietly creeps beside it's nest* HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO ARE YOU AWAKE!?!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS!?!
@HelmdawgE: Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has "will get in cars with strangers" in her bio. I'm hiding........
@OldUncleDaveO: I don't go back to my hometown very often because I've burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.