I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
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Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
🤣😂
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
😆this is so true
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.