I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
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Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place