@ChipKellysBalls: I'm starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
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@AGreaterMonster: The odds of an asteroid hitting Earth are the same as one bullet hitting another bullet in a duel. Dinosaurs: We'll take those odds!
@Classy_Cassy89: My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.
@ieatanddrink: Dating tip: Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her "Im a lawyer.Or AM I?" then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
@Dawn_M_: Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.