I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
You Might Also Like
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
who wants to go expliring
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.