I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
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I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.