“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
You Might Also Like
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad