I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
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The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating