I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
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GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I have obtained a hat
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY