I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
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If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
May never get over this
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.