I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
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*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I think I’m having a stroke
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today