@donni: "I'm still at the airport, actually." -A woman next to me on the train just now
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@iamburtjarvis: HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK: STEP 1: buy a recliner STEP 2: buy some beer STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
@leehopkins: Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don't turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
@Shanehasabeard: Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don't have to do that but I still also do that?
@SocialExtortion: How to pick up women: 1-approach beautiful lady 2-bend at the knees 3-lift gently 4-oh god she's screaming 5-put her down the cops are here