“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
You Might Also Like
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.