@YoungNobler: I'm still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
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@jimmy_sharpe: I just know my cause of death will be trying to scoot my office chair around as fast as possible.
@_oculusmundi: My moods don't just swing - they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.
@onion_an: Wife: Who is it? Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it's now illegal to fake throw a ball Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
@sad_tree: Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he's probably on that thing like "MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING"