I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
You Might Also Like
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
excuse me
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.