I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
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Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.