They must have gotten it to go.
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Holy shit he’s back
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks