Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
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Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.