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@theleanover: I'm still not convinced Mitt Romney was born.
@bossy_bootz: My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
@NoChillPosts: WELL PLAYED, SIR
@WarrenHolstein: Having a traditional Columbus Day. Headed to a casino to hand out blankets with smallpox on them.
@topaz_kell: To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
@TheMichaelRock: Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon.
Wife: You ate Beggin' Strips.
*me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon.