Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
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*limbos under the caution tape
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
absolutely not
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
step 6: release the wall snake
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.